I\u2019m not learning the kind of French I intended to.<\/p>\n
The other night on one of my days off, I ordered a cocktail at an upscale restaurant that I had never heard of before. It was a mixture of rum and spirits with fruit juice. It sounded interesting but a little too sweet for my taste. I asked the server if it was d\u00e9gueulasse<\/em> (deh-guh-lass), which I thought meant \u2018gross\u2019.<\/p>\n I hear it all the time in the kitchen and I just assumed it meant bad or unsavory. I just wanted to know if the cocktail was good! I really upset the server who stormed away after correcting my French and telling me never to use that word in public. How was I supposed to know? The word means \u2018filthy\u2019.<\/p>\n My French friends at the table burst out laughing after the server vanished and then they explained the word to me. They thought my little colloquial version of \u2018gross\u2019 was funny. But there I was totally in the dark wondering why I had just caused such a reaction to the extent that the server was replaced by another young man.<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s the word \u2018putain<\/em>\u2019 (poo-tan) which means \u2018whore\u2019. Every time some one messes up a dish in the kitchen they exclaim, \u201cOh putain!\u201d. I thought the word meant \u2018oops!\u2019 or \u2018oh brother!\u2019. I hear the word constantly throughout the day so it\u2019s just become part of my vocabulary. If I drop something on the floor I say, \u201cOh putain<\/em>.\u201d If the chefs are yelling at me I say, \u201cOh putain<\/em>\u201d and put my head down and work faster. If some one is being a jerk I say, \u201cOh putain<\/em>\u201d in exasperation and walk way.<\/p>\n But I don\u2019t think I was supposed to use it on the crowded the metro during rush hour when I dropped my cell phone on the floor. Because when I exclaimed, \u201coh putain<\/em>\u201d and then crouched down to look for my phone in between people grabbing onto bars for balance I caused some funny stares, a few giggles, and some downright mean looks.<\/p>\n So now you have two words you can put together into a sentence. Here\u2019s how the chef\u2019s do it in the kitchen: Oh putain! \u00c7a c\u2019est d\u00e9gueulasse<\/em>! (oh whore! That\u2019s filthy!)<\/p>\n But wait there\u2019s more. Oh yes, there\u2019s a lot more bad words in the kitchen and I haven\u2019t even begun to really get down and dirty. But first let me fill you in on the obligatory inbetween words that will no doubt pair with the spicier bad ones. Qu\u2019est-ce que c\u2019est \u00e7a<\/em>? (keh-skuh-say-sah) literally translated means \u2018what is that there?\u2019. This is one of my Chef\u2019s favorite phrases and he has a way of putting the fear of God into you just with that one rhetorical question.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re being asked \u2018what is that there?\u2019 by the Chef, then you already know what is there. You know it is something totally inedible that is an embarrassment to the reputation of the restaurant. God forbid, the Michelin reviewers should walk in while you\u2019re serving that plate of shit. Normally the sentence is accompanied with the rolling of eyes and an outstretched finger-pointing directly to the merde<\/em> that you have just created.<\/p>\n So here\u2019s the new phrase altogether now: Oh putain! Qu\u2019est-ce que c\u2019est \u00e7a? \u00c7a c\u2019est d\u00e9gueulasse<\/em> (Oh whore! What is that there? That\u2019s filthy!)<\/p>\n I know you know the French word merde<\/em> that I mentioned above. Everyone in the world knows that word. It\u2019s a funny little word for dog doo isn\u2019t it? But there\u2019s another way of twisting it into something a little less cutesy. C\u2019est de la merde<\/em> is like d\u00e9gueulasse<\/em> but means \u2018it\u2019s of the shit\u2019 or \u2018it\u2019s a pile of crap\u2019. Again, this phrase is normally accompanied with the obligatory rolling of the eyes and outstretched finger-pointing to the dog doo you\u2019ve just plated for some famous client. It can be tagged on behind the phrase: \u00e7a c\u2019est d\u00e9gueulasse<\/em> for added punctuation.<\/p>\n In other words, if you didn\u2019t understand (because you\u2019re an idiot) that what you slaved over for five hours to create is disgusting, you will certainly get it through your thick skull that it\u2019s a pile of poop.<\/p>\n Hallelujah! Now we\u2019re really getting somewhere: Oh putain! Qu\u2019est-ce que c\u2019est? QU\u2019EST-CE C\u2019EST \u00c7A? \u00c7a c\u2019est d\u00e9gueulasse \u2013 c\u2019est de la merde.<\/em> (Oh whore! What is that there? WHAT IS THAT THERE? That\u2019s filthy \u2013 it\u2019s a pile of crap!)<\/p>\n Now remember that cooking in a French kitchen is like being in the military. Not only is the fact that you messed up your roti de veau<\/em> (roasted veal) pointed out for the whole staff to witness, but also the fact that you\u2019re a butt hole.<\/p>\n Well you\u2019ve got to be a butt hole if you\u2019ve just messed up something as basic as roti de veau<\/em> right? And the chefs also have to ensure you clearly understand the pecking order. If you screwed the pooch on the veal then you are definitely in the merde<\/em> pile. The word for butt hole is conard<\/em> (coh-nard) or if you\u2019re a female butt hole its connasse<\/em> (coh-nass). Isn\u2019t that nice and undiscriminating of the French? How kind of them to give women their own feminine version of the word. I think the female version sounds much prettier.<\/p>\n And of course if you\u2019re a gros connard<\/em>, then you\u2019re a \u2018big butt hole\u2019. Now before we put the whole new sentence together I\u2019d like to introduce one last phrase, fait chier<\/em> (fay-shay), which is truly grotesque. It means \u2018to take a poo\u2019, but really it is more equivalent to our \u201coh f&*k\u201d American expression. This expression can be used in the same way, \u201cOh putain<\/em>\u201d is used, but normally expresses a higher degree of agitation.<\/p>\n So here it is, the grande finale, the final sentence that will truly enable you to call it like it is in a 3-star French kitchen: Oh putain! Fait chier! Conard, qu\u2019est-ce c\u2019est \u00e7a? QU\u2019EST-CE C\u2019EST \u00c7A? \u00c7a c\u2019est d\u00e9gueulasse \u2013 c\u2019est de la merde! Oh putain.<\/em> (Oh whore! Oh f*&k! Butt hole, what is that there? WHAT IS THAT THERE? That\u2019s filthy \u2013 it\u2019s a pile of crap! Oh whorrrrre!)<\/p>\n And what do you answer back when you hear this lovely sentence breathed inches from your face by a screaming, sweaty, red-faced French chef that has pulsing veins bulging out from his neck?<\/p>\n Oui chef! (yes, chef)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"