How To Talk Like A Mom

Gone are the days where I used to enjoy calling out orders and organizing tickets shouting things like: “One by one on the halibut! Working three steak frîtes all day, 86 shortribs…” Now my lingo takes on a much different tone.

How to talk like a Mom…

First of all, you must refer to yourself in the third person. I am “Mama”.  Not “Amy”, not “I”, not “me”. When I want something from my lovely two year old, Layla, I say something like: “Mama, would like you to drink your milk”. And when my two year old responds by blowing a raspberry and making a gross face, I repeat “Mama, would like you to drink your milk and not spit at the dinner table while eating”.

You see, by referring to myself as “Mama” it’s almost as if I’m talking objectively about some one other than myself that is requiring my child to follow instructions. It’s almost as if I personally could care less whether the milk gets finished or not, but this mythical creature ‘Mama’ on the other hand, is going to open the proverbial can of whoop-ass if her instructions aren’t acted upon.

Babas don’t do this. Only Mamas. You don’t hear Babas referring to themselves as “Babas”. And this switch to ‘Mama’ happens literally upon birth. I remember thinking to myself shortly after Layla’s arrival: “Why am I speaking to my daughter in this weird version of third person?” But it was too late, the mythical ‘Mama’ had already taken over my former self.

Two year olds do not mince words. Mostly because they have so few to mince from. My daughter is bossy. She has no problem telling her father “Baba, water!” and pointing to the sink or “Mama, uppy!” and lifting her little arms up for a snuggle or “Little Bean, go!” and ushering our little dog outside. She gets right down to business. So in turn, I find myself speaking in the most direct form when it’s crucial. Very chef-like, but perhaps even a bit more authoritarian. Like when she reaches up towards the stove when I’m cooking or decides she wants to bring her dolls under my feet while I’m sautéeing, it’s just a direct: “Layla – NO!” It’s like this higher power controls my brain and takes over completely when my daughter’s safety is in question. I don’t think about it for a second, it just happens. Phrases like: “Get down now”, “Two hands”, “No weeeee” (for when she tries to do backflips off my bent knees while I’m lying on the sofa), “Stay put”, etc, etc, etc…. no mincing around for Mama.

Layla has her own language which both Mama and Baba have adopted in order to communicate. For example the TV is called “No-no” and I’m sure you can guess as to why. And she prefaces shows with “no-no” when she wants to see something on TV like: “No-No-Chef” for Junior Top Chef or “No-No-Pup” which is a learning program starring a purple pup named Violet. “Dah-doo” is ‘thank you’, “dood” is ‘bread’ for some unknown reason – even the Farsi translation isn’t close, and “pwwwweeez” is obviously ‘please’.

Animals are simply referred to by the sounds they make. So, a cat is a “meow-meow” (pronounced mow-mow), a horse is a “nay-nay”, a rabbit is a “hop-hop” (because they don’t really make a sound), a rooster is a “doodle-doo” a chicken is a “bok-bok” and a monkey is an “ooo-ooo-eee-eee-ah-ah”. I’m not sure if it’s directly related to Layla-ese, but the repetition in the animal sounds has definitely driven Mama to repeat herself often when talking to Layla and unfortunately sometimes when talking to Baba too. Or maybe Layla repeats the animal sounds in part because Mama always repeats herself. Oh, I don’t know. Which came first, the chicken or the bok-bok?

Mama doesn’t sleep. Really. Ever. I mean, Mama hasn’t had more than three hours of consecutive sleep for two years and that is no joke. And lack of sleep greatly effects the way Mama talks. There are times that Mama can’t remember what exactly she is saying and on nights where Layla is sleepless there is a stutter that accompanies Mama’s normal conversation because the brain and the tongue just aren’t working in tandem anymore. As you can probably tell, Mama normally isn’t one that has any problem putting thoughts to tongue, but these days if she can think far enough to the end of a sentence, she’s ahead of the game.

There’s also the really smushy gushy fruity high pitched talk that happens and Babas are guilty of this too. It’s really hard not to pick Layla up constantly and kiss her and snuggle her and tell her she’s Mama’s: sugar pea, sweet peach, nut (when she’s silly), sweetie pie, jujeh (little chicken in Farsi) or petit chou (‘little cream puff’ literally translated). I mean these are things Mama would have rolled her eyes at before motherhood. She would have been like: “Seriously, you’re likening your child to a vegetable?” had she heard this on this street. But something happens with you have kids and the brain just flips a switch. Unfortunately, I’m afraid, there is no ‘off’ for that switch…

Aside from Mama stuttering, repeating herself often, shouting short orders, and talking about fruit in a weird little kid’s voice, I’d say Mama is mostly an eloquent speaker who is adept at handling both sides of the conversation. When talking to Layla, she doesn’t always talk back. So if Mama asks her: “What color is the sky today?” and Layla doesn’t respond, then Mama finishes her own question with a: “The color of the sky is blue today”. To the untrained eye, it might appear that Mama is suffering from a mild form of Schizophrenia since she pretty much makes conversation with herself all day and sometimes even rehearses and sings conversation back and forth to herself.

But no, it’s just part of how to talk like a Mom…

Oh how life has changed since How to Talk Like a French Chef!